| TURNER IN FINAL STAGES OF COMPILING HUMOROUS MEMOIR
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Agrees to sell first-born child in exchange for publishing deal
(SEPT. 14) - Journalist John Turner is in the midst of putting together a collection of humorous short stories to be published sometime next year.
"Confessions of a Gimp" will be a memoir of weird and funny occurrences during Turner's lifetime.
"Both fortunately and unfortunately, my life's been pretty full of drama," he said, noting that as a professional actor, he believes the exact same thing as every thespian on the planet.
The stories include tales about his mother murdering some pigs, how the family of his Little League teammate came to ballgames on a tractor, and an account of his attack in 2002 and all its aftermath.
Turner will collaborate with his friend and former newspaper editor Linda Ober Slade, who will reprise her role as editor for the novel.
"But publishing it will be as much work as writing the stories," he explained. "Maybe more, even." The pair plans to investigate publishing houses, then use the self-publishing route as an alternative if no book deals drop from the sky. |
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| GENIUS OF THE WEEK: Gotta Love a Man in Uniform
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GRADY, Ark. (May 30) - Two convicted murderers put on corrections-officer uniforms and walked out of an Arkansas prison during a shift change, officials said Saturday as they searched for the men.
Jeffrey Grinder, 32, and Calvin Adams, 39, escaped Friday evening from the Cummins Unit prison in Grady more than three hours before officials realized they were missing, corrections department spokeswoman Dina Tyler said.
Both men were serving life sentences without the possibility of parole at the prison about 60 miles southeast of Little Rock.
The guard uniforms the inmates put on are made in the prison. Video surveillance shows the men put them on in the prison library after the 6 p.m. headcount and walked out of the prison during a shift change less than 20 minutes later, Tyler said.
Prison officials are investigating whether all policies and procedures were followed.
"Someone should have laid eyes on them. That's one of the things we're looking at: How exactly did they get out without someone challenging them?" Tyler said.
Grinder and Adams drove away in a maroon or burgundy colored, 4-door sedan that had been left for them. Officials realized the men were missing after coming up short during the 10 p.m. inmate headcount, Tyler said.
(from Reuters News Service) |
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THE MIDGET BOX TURTLE (2009)
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I think those baths started it all. They struck first one night as I came out of the bathroom, my 10-year-old body dripping wet and clad in nothing but a towel. When I came out they jumped me, ripped off the towel, picked me up (even dripping wet, I weighed maybe 80 pounds) and carried me screaming to our front door.
Like an epileptic tabby cat, I was freaking out trying to slither out of their grasp while I hollered...but they had me good. They threw me out the door into the empty carport, then turned on the carport light.
I was bawling and screaming “LET ME IN LET ME IIINNN!!!” at the top of my lungs while I pounded on the door, but apparently they thought that wasn’t attracting enough attention. So the girls flung open the living-room window and started yelling, “Heeeyyyy!! Hey, look over here!!”
Now, we lived in the faculty housing neighborhood across the street from the college, part of which was a circle, with the furthest of the 20-odd houses maybe 80 yards away.
So as I beat on the door, out of the corner of my eye I noticed numerous carport lights coming on. The front door to our neighbors’ house opened, and Mrs. Simon poked her head out. She was maybe 40 feet away.
“Hey, is everything all r – OH!!” She slammed her door shut after seeing my tiny, lily-white behind.
And did I mention it was about 30 degrees outside? I was soaking wet and freezing, and.....well, you know what happens to a guy’s nether regions when it’s really cold. (My 10-year-old midget box turtle had crawled inside its shell, I’m trying to say.)
After a couple minutes they still hadn’t opened the door, so I took matters into my own little hands. I retrieved a length of rusty pipe from the utility room, went around to the back of the house, and shattered Liz and Ginger’s window in one mighty swing. I broke out the remaining glass and dove inside.
When Mom got home I ran to her car (fully clothed now, thank you) and told her what happened. I expected her to flip out, but she just looked tired and sad.
“Guess I’ll put some extra blankets on the girls’ beds,” she said wearily.
I don’t remember exactly what their punishment was, but I do remember it was severe, and they didn’t get their allowance for like the next three months because of the window (even though I was the one who broke it).
The next summer, they took advantage of my naivete’ once again. I was–and still am–a very trusting soul; I guess I assume, sometimes to a fault, that people will just do the right thing.
Well, in this particular instance my sisters did nothing of the sort. We took a vacation to Houston, and one night the three of us went swimming in the hotel pool.
The pool was in the atrium of a three-story Holiday Inn, so we took the elevator down from our third-floor room and walked around the building. Bonus! We had the pool to ourselves.
After a game of Marco Polo, I was flopping around in the deep end when the girls excitedly called me over.
“Hey! Wanna do something fun?” Elizabeth asked in a half-whisper.
I should’ve smelled trouble right then, but of course my innocent 11-year-old mind just wanted to please. “Sure!” I answered as I hung on to the ladder.
“Okay, here’s what we’ll do: We’ll each give you a dollar if you take off your swimsuit and swim to the other side and back.”
In retrospect, I have no idea why I didn’t catch on, but like I said, I was just glad they were paying attention to me. “Cool! I’ll do it,” I said, mentally picturing the gumball machine in the hotel lobby I would raid with my hard-earned.....booty, so to speak.
So, taking a quick look around to make sure we were still alone, I peeled off my suit with one hand while I held on to the ladder with the other. “Here, hold this,” I whispered as I handed them the suit.
Don’t say it. I know.
“Go!” they both said, and I pushed off the wall and swam like a turtle (a midget box turtle, of course) to the other side about 15 feet away. And of course, when I got there and turned around....
The girls were sprinting toward the door to the parking lot with Ginger carrying my suit, cackling maniacally. “Ha ha ha.....BRAT!!” I think one of them yelled as they went.
So there I was.
The pool area was silent except for the gentle lapping of waves. I hung on to the ladder and slowly started sobbing. Now, I was thin, had been playing baseball since I was in the womb, almost, and I was swift as the wind. I and my midget box turtle psyched myself up for an insane dash back to the room.
I think it was about 80 yards from the pool to the elevator, and my lily-white behind covered that distance in about, oh, two seconds. Luckily, since it was about 10 o’clock on a weeknight, I didn’t encounter any people during my sprint.
I got to the elevator and pushed the Up button, then tried unsuccessfully to hide next to a fire extinguisher on the wall next to the elevator.
When the door opened, I held my naked breath as I hugged the wall next to the door. After a second or two, no one came out, so I peeked my head around. Whew! Empty. I scurried inside, and frantically pushed the “3 button about ten times.
Suddenly I heard the door to the parking lot open, and loud men’s voices. CLOOOOSE, door I thought as I started sobbing again. The doors slid shut....but just before they closed a hand came snaking between them. They opened again.
Several men in business suits entered the car. They didn’t see me at first because I’d tried to squeeze my naked body all the way into a corner. “Hey, I’ve heard she’ll su–look here ” one said. The men all stared when they saw me, making me cry even harder.
“What’s goin on, boy??” another asked as I sat curled up in the corner. Long story short, I told them what happened, and after all the loud laughter died down one of them got me a towel from the front desk.
Apparently Mom already knew what happened; she saw my suit in Ginger’s hand and put two and two together. When I got back to the room Mom was watching TV while Liz and Ginger sat on a bed looking guilty and smug at the same time.
“Girls?” Mom prompted them, never taking her eyes from the screen.
“We’re so-oorryyy....” they said in unison. Ginger mouthed the word “brat” as a tag.
There were other instances too, like when we played truth or dare and they dared me to run around the house naked while singing the “Brady Bunch” theme at the top of my lungs, but these two are the ones I remember most, for obvious reasons.
So it’s no wonder I chose acting as a profession. I’d spent so much time showing my ass, both literally and figuratively....why not get paid for it? |
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| GEORGE CARLIN--Baseball vs. Football
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The master dispenses some brilliance in comparing the two games....
Carlin-BaseballFootball.mp3
To download, right-click on file, then choose "Save Target As...") |
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| Remember to keep the Equal Opportunity Employment Act in mind...
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| Click Here to download my resume in PDF format |
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